I know that it feels threatening to talk about how you really feel. Like there is certainly a lot of wisdom even sometimes in acknowledging differences and opinions and preferences and letting stuff go. It how to deal with someone who avoids conflict is also a myth that in every couple or in every relationship, you do need to be aligned with everything, right, including and especially differences in opinions, preferences, but even bigger than that.

Start by scheduling a free consultation meeting with the expert of your choice. Please stay in touch with me if you have additional questions, or topics that you would like to hear me talk about that would be helpful for you on upcoming episodes, and that same blog and podcast homepage. I think my parents used to do this, and I understand that this isn’t helpful in our relationship now. That might not always be the outcome of every single conflict, right? We can resolve conflicts without both people compromising sometimes, but over time, each of you will have been bending in each other’s direction. Sometimes you will have been taking influence from the other person.

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Effective communication is perhaps the most important skill for addressing conflict and stress in a relationship. If you are having a hard time developing this skill, or if the conflict in your relationship is extreme, couples counseling might be useful. Compromise can also be a healthy way to handle conflict in a relationship—as long as you are not using it to avoid conflict. You might find that there are certain differences between you and your partner that strongly define who you are as individuals. Conflict avoidance can damage your relationships and harm your mental health. This people-pleasing behavior can also make it difficult to set and maintain boundaries.

I teach partners not only to manage their emotions but to also take turns speaking and listening in order to thoroughly understand one another. When you communicate openly and honestly with your partner, you are able to share your thoughts and feelings with them. A trusted friend or counselor might help you view the conflict more fully and determine the best way to manage it. You might also consider asking a third party, such as your boss, to help mediate the dispute, or consider formal mediation. Think through—and perhaps write down—the best way to cope with a conflict before reaching out to the other person or people involved.

How Conflict Avoidance Fuels Commitment Issues

By ignoring the problem and not discussing it, you don’t have to deal with the outcome. When your partner is discussing something that upsets them, you start discussing something bothering you instead. Stonewalling, or shutting down, also helps you avoid conflict. When you stonewall, you might remove yourself from the situation every time an uncomfortable topic is brought up. Doing this can help you avoid uncomfortable topics, but can seem very dismissive to your partner. A therapist can help you and your partner learn healthy conflict resolution skills and help you develop a better understanding of yourself and your partner.

For some people, this amps up conflict and they lean towards fight but for many others, the flight or freeze response happens. For flight, you might think “I better shut my mouth so I don’t make things worse” or physically walk away. Some people may experience dissociation, the freeze response. This is where your mind disconnects as a way to keep you safe.